Thursday, January 12, 2012
Everything, and then Nothing.
I have a talent. And then it becomes nothing.
I am everything in-between. The grey area, the fence, the s-line border of ying and yang.
The best of both sides at one point, and then nothing the next.
I am vibrant with colours. And then I am black lines on white paper.
I could draw but I only could draw.
I could write but I only could write.
I could feel... so intensely. I can feel still but no longer intense.
I am beginning to lose the memories of my own world.
Right now, I am almost nothing of what I was.
Maybe I am brilliant now, but I still look upon in the brilliance of the past, so different from the light I now see.
I would like a moment of silence, a moment of non-existence to this world, just so I can observe and re-learn and re-discover without being interfered. Without feeling the guilt that something else is being neglected.
Posted at 01:18 am by Julswee
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Wednesday, February 09, 2011
"maybe he sees you as a good catch and he see himself marrying you someday but he still wants to play for now.
i think thats quite selfish
its always the same cycle
you find out > u confront him > he feels shameful > you forgive
if you go true the same cycle a few more times it just doesnt really matter anymore
and he'll just continue doing wat he does cos he know he's gonna get away with it
...i just htink that your youth is precious
i dont want you to waste it on some guy who's just gonna break your heart in the future
cos honestly.. i htink its inbuild
so dont pin hopes on him changing unless there's like some divine intervention or soemthing
i think its really gonna be quite tiresome for you
either you learn to live with it and close one eye
or you leave while yous till can"
-E
Posted at 12:42 am by Julswee
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It has been 2 years and coincidentally, exactly 3 months.
I really wish things didn't turn out this way.
My heart aches. But nobody will feel it.
Posted at 11:44 pm by Julswee
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Friday, August 27, 2010
A letter to Somone who should not read This.
Dear Pathetic Creature,
It is very sad to see you try so hard to portray an identity that does not belong to you.
The reason you have to try so hard is simply because deep down inside, you know that you are an ugly person. (Unless well, you managed to even fool youself!)
The signs are always showing. The way how all your so-called "good-friends" all eventually turned out superficial and temporary. The never-failing Time will always tell.
Can't you see? If the same thing happens to you once or twice, maybe its their problem. But can't you see that so many times it has happened and it seems like the only common factor is you?
You try so hard to put others down and yourself higher than you really are. You talk so much about what others deserve. What about you? You should be proud, for you have over-achieved.
You are really pathetic. But unlike the others, I do not feel sorry for you. Because I have given you all or perhaps more than what I really think you deserve from me or anyone else who you tried or have stuck a knife or two in the back.
I think my back is quite heavy with some of your blunt metals, It will be nice if you can help me pull them out. But of course, that is wishful thinking. Knowing you, I should be expecting more weight to come instead.
Anyway, now we have parted ways, I feel a whole load lighter. I will look back and be glad.
As for you? Well, if you read this, then I'm honored that you're still interested in my opinions. For I no longer give two shit about yours. Do take care, you know you need to. If you're wiser, you should just concentrate on being at peace and stop bringing trouble and unhappiness to yourself and everyone around you like you always do.
This post is my last regards to you on account of our thin and beneficiary-purposed friendship. All the best to you being a genuinely better person.
Hate me all you want. Flame me all you want. Trust me, at the end of all of it, you're the one at the losing end.
Posted at 03:44 pm by Julswee
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Monday, July 19, 2010
Am I a Bad friend?
Sometimes I really wonder if I'm the problem. I don't think I am. Because I really try my best. So what is the problem you have with me? What is it that you find is not enough?
Am I boring? Am I selfish? Am I deceitful? Am I not worth it? Am I ungrateful? Unappreciative? Am I just always there? Am I mean? Do I hurt you? Do I backstab? Do I take you for granted? Do I not help you when you need me? Do I not play a part? Do I intentinally rub salt in your wounds? Do I feel for you? Do I protect you? Defend you? Can I lend you a listening ear? Can I solve your problems? Can I bitch with you? Can I laugh with you? Cry with you? Fume with you? Agree with you? Disagree with you? Be painfully honest with you? Lie to you? Whine at you? Let you whine at me? Share a secret with you? Keep your secret with me? Reprimand you for the silly things you do? Teach you? Learn from you? Admire you? Envy you? Be jealous of you? Make fun of you? Make fun of others with you? Make a fool out of myself just to make you laugh? Be angry at you? Curse and swear at you? Forgive you?
Do I love you?
Are you? Can you? Do you? Will you?
Am I your friend?
Are you mine?
Posted at 12:40 pm by Julswee
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If I have Three Wishes...
If one day, I come upon a lamp with a genie that will grant me three wishes, my wishes will be the following:
Wish One: I wish that my mother will be completely healed, physically and emotionally. And stay healthy and happy for the rest of her life.
Wish Two: I wish my Dad will finally lose all interest in gambling, pick up his life and start living it properly and happily.
Wish Three: I wish that Noah will do good, live good, be good and happy with or without me.
Posted at 12:16 pm by Julswee
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Monday, September 14, 2009
If you know that doing something will hurt a person, but you also know that the person will probably never ever find out will you go ahead and do it?
Some people would.
And yes, I might.
If you know that a person wants to do something that will hurt another person, and in order for him/her to commit the act of hurting, your involvment will be needed. Will you get yourself involved?
Some people would.
Well. I wouldn't.
There are girls who work hard at painting their faces everyday. Foundation, blushers, eye shadows, eye liners and the now so popular fake eyelashes.
I am very impressed with their efforts and commitments in doing so because I cannot do it. At least not every time I have to step out of the door. And I wonder to myself if that is a good thing or a bad thing because I am comfortable in my own skin but many takes more to a flawless pretty face, despite the thick thick layers that are skillfully well concealed.
I have Scars, blemishes, open pores and acne. They are unsightly but I am working to heal them instead of painting over them. Occasionally I will need to paint, but at the end of the day as I stand in front of the mirror and strip off the layers, I feel a sore emptiness if not disgust, at the streaks of paints smudging from the day's wear. This is also why I am impressed with the people who can do it all the time. I hope that when my face is healed I will be proud to shine as who I am.
Alot of things are more than skin deep and painting myself is not a habit I will want to pick up for that case.
Posted at 11:34 am by Julswee
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Thursday, July 30, 2009
I got onto a train without knowing its destination.
The train ride was an interesting experience and throughout I just hoped that this will lead me to somewhere happy.
But I keep getting the feeling that I shouldn't be on this train.
Posted at 01:21 am by Julswee
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Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Just because you don't see it. Just because you are not bothered by it now, doesn't mean that it is not there.
"I can't be bothered" is the worst excuse you can ever give to brush away a subject.
Of course you can not bother. But the reason the topic is raised is because somebody IS bothered about it. Sure. Who gives a fuck if that somebody is bothered. Its not your fault. That person is just over sensitive. Its that person's own fault to be bothered by such trivial matters that doesn't bother you one bit.
To not bother is to not do anything to improve, to help or to salvage.
To not bother is to allow the problem to persist.
You tell me you are not bothered simply because you don't care to do anything about it. Screw what I feel.
Get over it by saying " why you bother? I can't be bothered." Yes. you can't be bothered. You can forget that I ever brought up the subject. But I cannot, no matter how hard I try because it continues to plague me.
Like a swell in the throat growing ever so slowly. I will choose to keep swallowing and try to ignore it. Until it seals off my air supply.
Posted at 11:51 am by Julswee
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Monday, May 04, 2009
Finally Back from the kelong trip but still feeling a little in denial. Haiz the break was badly needed but 3 days is lke not enough la. though its quite boring like all u do is actually just lazing around under the sun, fishing - which we suck at. 2nd day was best. CANOEING! AND JUMPING INTO THE SEA FROM 3M high! Weeeee! Aaarrggh I'm so not ready to come back to reality. sit a round play mahjong, slack, admire the beautiful skies with peaceful waves splashing int he background. The Sun The smell. the peace. Fireflies... Even the mosquito bites aren't half as bad. Boy I wish I'm still there... Thanks darling for organising this trip and entertaining my friends. I know you'll enjoy it more if it were ur friends who went but still you did little little things and assurances to ensure the trip a smooth and carefree one. I love you! :)
This trip left me a little disorientated.I'm getting really tired of it.Giving up is really tempting when i'm this tired but i'm having difficulties doing so.I really don't understand.If this is what you want, we are almost there.Because if i must, i will.For us to be free.I am constantly in pain.i cannot tell who is the one putting me through this anymore.
Please don' play mind games with me. Please.
Posted at 01:30 pm by Julswee
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